Day 12
I woke up from a dream. There was a statement made by an unseen being. "Honestly, Belle. I don't know what has gotten into you."
A question was asked with force, as if it were thrice repeated, "What has gotten into you?"
I replied, "The jitterbugs. ... The fatigue .... Pain. The fear."
The voice said, "Yes. I can understand that. You want to talk about that fear?"
I said, "It isn't like a fear you get when you watch a scary movie. It's not like when someone jumps out at you and says boo."
I said, "This is a deep gnawing fear."
The voice said, "Tell me about this fear."
"It's like I heard a nuclear bomb drop and now I am sitting waiting here for the full brunt of a shock wave to hit and burn, melt, tear until it utterly destroys every cell of this being. The outer edge of the wave has hit me already, with its nagging pain. Years of pain and stiffness that I have managed to hide."
A life's movie was revealed in the space of my next statement. "I'm afraid that when the wave of this blast hits, it will be a slow decaying burn."
Awake now, I lay here thinking.
The pain I hid for years, that I now hide, may intensify as PD eats its way, affecting every nerve and muscle fiber. Will the stiffness I battle leave me trapped?
It is like the recurring nightmare I had as a child, wherein I am a ball of clay. An invisible something or someone is pulling and pushing on me, stretching and pinching me.
I am the adamic clay, being fashioned by Divine unseen hands, who wields many tools, like this hideous disease, sculpting me and breaking me into pieces. This is the God of pottery who shows no pity for the cries of the clay who is helpless under His hands. A Creator God, who calls forth from no thingness and brings forth possibility, creating, destroying, and recreating according to His design and plan.
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John came in from doing his outside chores. He said, "You have been getting up earlier. I'm glad to see that."
I replied, "I'm not. I am getting less than four hours of sleep some nights. It sucks. I am not happy about this at all."
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We have a big, heavy job to do today. I am tired. My hands ache. Oh well. Buckle down. Strap on some determination. Eat some protein and GO!
Time to push past the hinderances. Run as fast as I can to stay beyond PD's reach, for as long as I can. Shake my fist at it and drop on my knees to ask God for a bit more strength to keep going faster, so I can stay just a bit longer out of its claws.
However, even one breath of this life was more than enough. Just one tinge of pain was a great blessing. A moment of bodily weakness was a great kindness from above. So, whether it be fearfulness, anger, peace, or joy - it is ultimately the Divine experiencing the possibilities held within the vessel of humanity. Sickness, health, birth and death, nightmares and dreams, all of life's experiences .... It is a beautiful, Divine dance.
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John and I have been concerned about the road entrance from the highway. It is very dangerous. Today John spent several hours going from one government building to another. This road we are on falls through the cracks of responsibility. But thankfully, John had success. The county and the state are going to split the cost to widen the entrance and put in a new culvert.
It will still be dangerous getting onto the highway. But at least it will be a little safer trying to get off of it.
Sometimes there are wins in life - some are big and some smaller. Now John can share the good news with all the neighbors.
A question was asked with force, as if it were thrice repeated, "What has gotten into you?"
I replied, "The jitterbugs. ... The fatigue .... Pain. The fear."
The voice said, "Yes. I can understand that. You want to talk about that fear?"
I said, "It isn't like a fear you get when you watch a scary movie. It's not like when someone jumps out at you and says boo."
I said, "This is a deep gnawing fear."
The voice said, "Tell me about this fear."
"It's like I heard a nuclear bomb drop and now I am sitting waiting here for the full brunt of a shock wave to hit and burn, melt, tear until it utterly destroys every cell of this being. The outer edge of the wave has hit me already, with its nagging pain. Years of pain and stiffness that I have managed to hide."
A life's movie was revealed in the space of my next statement. "I'm afraid that when the wave of this blast hits, it will be a slow decaying burn."
Awake now, I lay here thinking.
The pain I hid for years, that I now hide, may intensify as PD eats its way, affecting every nerve and muscle fiber. Will the stiffness I battle leave me trapped?
It is like the recurring nightmare I had as a child, wherein I am a ball of clay. An invisible something or someone is pulling and pushing on me, stretching and pinching me.
I am the adamic clay, being fashioned by Divine unseen hands, who wields many tools, like this hideous disease, sculpting me and breaking me into pieces. This is the God of pottery who shows no pity for the cries of the clay who is helpless under His hands. A Creator God, who calls forth from no thingness and brings forth possibility, creating, destroying, and recreating according to His design and plan.
-----------------
John came in from doing his outside chores. He said, "You have been getting up earlier. I'm glad to see that."
I replied, "I'm not. I am getting less than four hours of sleep some nights. It sucks. I am not happy about this at all."
-----------------
We have a big, heavy job to do today. I am tired. My hands ache. Oh well. Buckle down. Strap on some determination. Eat some protein and GO!
Time to push past the hinderances. Run as fast as I can to stay beyond PD's reach, for as long as I can. Shake my fist at it and drop on my knees to ask God for a bit more strength to keep going faster, so I can stay just a bit longer out of its claws.
However, even one breath of this life was more than enough. Just one tinge of pain was a great blessing. A moment of bodily weakness was a great kindness from above. So, whether it be fearfulness, anger, peace, or joy - it is ultimately the Divine experiencing the possibilities held within the vessel of humanity. Sickness, health, birth and death, nightmares and dreams, all of life's experiences .... It is a beautiful, Divine dance.
--------------
John and I have been concerned about the road entrance from the highway. It is very dangerous. Today John spent several hours going from one government building to another. This road we are on falls through the cracks of responsibility. But thankfully, John had success. The county and the state are going to split the cost to widen the entrance and put in a new culvert.
It will still be dangerous getting onto the highway. But at least it will be a little safer trying to get off of it.
Sometimes there are wins in life - some are big and some smaller. Now John can share the good news with all the neighbors.